Ten heads, one brain

How can it be that every TripleJ presenter likes all the stuff that the station plays? What are the odds? I mean, just show your friends a list of ten random J-hyped tracks and ask: Which ones are good and which ones are ordinary? You won't get two people who give the same set of thumbs up or thumbs down. And yet all the people on-air at the Jays love every single song on the station playlist. Of course they do. Well...

Not long after The Black Keys' album was released, one JJJ afternoon presenter back-announced an early airing of 'Lonely Boy'. But instead of just giving us the data, she began to wander off-message on a little critical tangent, confessing that she thought the new Keys' sound was disappointing. At least she got as far as that before suddenly pulling herself up and attempting a hasty disclaimer along the lines of "But it's still an awesome song and an amazing album!". Bit creepy.

On a Tuesday arvo, during a promo for an upcoming show, another announcer, clearly unimpressed - or at least non-plussed - by Korn's collaboration with Skrillex, suggested that this metal track was not necessarily improved by the input of, as he put it, "some dance douche". Ahh! An opinion at last on TripleJ beyond the usual "awesome" or "amazing". It is, however, with much disappointment that I have to report, that the very same announcer came back on-air later and apologized for his "disrespect".

Why would he do this?

Who knows. But it's salient to note that this announcer was sacked from the station a few weeks later.

TripleJ does have a fan forum where listeners can rant about what they don't like. But none of this influences the on-air staff. Try sending a text, expressing a negative opinion when next some (non-specialist) presenter puts the word out after playing the latest indie sensation. Assuming that not every single listener thinks the song is brilliant, the presenter will always sum up the feedback as "mixed" or else announce in a surprised tone "a lot of you are loving this new release from Dickhead Cardigans but - gee - I'm also getting a lot of messages that say you're 'not sure about it'". "Not sure about it" is the J way of saying "hate". She won't say what you really said about it, of course, unless you use the terms "amazing" or "awesome".

This week, we got a taste of a song so awful it is bound to earn high-rotation on the Jays. A slop bucket of air-brushed samples from an ancient Elton John chorus and some piss-weak contemporary hip-hop, it was so repulsive that I can't even remember the name of the artist who shat it out. Was this a late April Fool's day prank or just that the announcers were caught up in the Melbourne Comedy Festival vibe?

No. It was a genuine track. And, of course, they loved it! Or at least they insisted that they did. Their guest, however, a well-known stream-of-consciousness comic from the U.K., didn't like the track at all. As he was about to explain why, the TripleJ lads quickly cut him off with some guff about how the artist was a good bloke and a friend of the program.

On the release of the debut long player from one of the Jays' little darlings - a certain indie-pop band from the  sunny west coast - listener reviews were not unanimously favourable. Oh dear. Scrolling down the feature album feedback page, Triplej's morning announcer told us that while most of the fans were lovin it, other people "had their own thoughts". She quoted a couple of the "lovin it" variety - lots of "amazings" and "awesomes" - but left the negative comments alone.

Why would she do that?

All was revealed, however, when some months later the TripleJ breakfast announcers let their dads review a weak album by a highly promoted 'indie songstress' who had somehow crossed over to JJJ Coolsville from an aborted career at Australian Idol. After Dad informed the boys that, frankly, this week's feature album was a lake of shite, both announcers protested with "you can't say that. She's our FRIEND".

Does TripleJ actually have a charter, some kind of policy whereby nothing can be panned by on-air staff? What if an announcer really doesn't like some track that they have to play? Aren't they permitted to state an informed opinion?  Does TripleJ think that a song that is given a thumbs down by one presenter must necessarily be hated by all presenters and therefore shouldn't be hyped by the station at all? Again, bit creepy.

Nevertheless, whether brilliant or crap, 'friends' will always be played on TripleJ.

And, ladies and gents, isn't that what our tax money is for?

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